LIVING WILL

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN


I, ________________________, being of sound mind and body, unequivocally declare
that in the event of a catastrophic injury, I do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by
artificial means.

I hereby instruct my loved ones and relatives to remove all life-support systems, once it has been determined that my brain is longer functioning in a cognizant realm. However, that judgment should be made only after thorough consultation with medical experts; i.e., individuals who actually have been trained, educated and certified as doctors.

Under no circumstances -- and I can't state this too strongly -- should my fate be put in the hands of peckerhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it.

Furthermore, it is my firm hope that, when the time comes, any discussion about terminating my medical treatment should remain private and confidential. I am acutely aware that the legislative and executive branches of state government are fond of meddling in family matters, and have little concern for the privacy and dignity of individuals. Therefore, I wish to make my views on this subject as clear and unambiguous as possible.

Recognizing that some politicians seem cerebrally challenged themselves (and with no medical excuse), I'll try to keep this simple and to the point:

1. While remaining sensitive to the feelings of loved ones who might cling to hope
for my recovery, let me state that if a reasonable amount of time passes ! -- say,
____ (fill in the blank) months -- and I fail to sit sit up and ask for a sandwich
(cold beer, chocolate, or whatever), it should be presumed that I won't ever get
better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my spouse,
children and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it
a day. They should then back up and leave me alone.

2. Under no circumstances shall the members of the Legislature enact a special
law to keep me on life-support machinery. It is my wish that these boneheads
mind their own damn business, and pay attention, instead to the health, education
and future of the millions of Floridians and other Americans who aren't in a
permanent coma.

3. Under no circumstances shall the governor butt into this case and order my
doctors to put a feeding tube down my throat or through a hole into my abdomen
to keep me alive. I don't care how many fundamentalist votes he's trying to
scrounge for his run for the presidency in 2008, it is my wish that he plays politics
with someone else's life and leaves me to die in peace.

4. I couldn't care less if a hundred religious zealots send e-mails to legislators in
which they pretend to care about me. I don't know these people, and I certainly
haven't authorized them to preach and crusade on my behalf. They should mind
their own business, too.

5. It is my heartfelt wish to expire quietly and without a public spectacle. This is
obviously impossible once elected officials become involved. So, while recognizing
the wrenching emotions that attend the prolonged death of a loved one, I hereby
instruct my relatives to settle all disagreements about my care in private or in the
courts, as provided by law.

If any of my family goes against my wishes and turns my case into a political cause, I
hereby promise to come back from the grave and make his or her existence a living Hell.