BEST DRINKING STORY EVER / WORLD'S WORST FIRST DATE

BEST DRINKING STORY EVER
From the state where drinking and driving is considered a sport comes a true story from Milwaukee, Wisc.

A routine police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood bar.
Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles he managed to find his own car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a dry night), flicked the hazard flasher, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles.
At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started driving slowly down the street. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test.
To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all.
Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station, apparently this equipment is broken."
"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."


WORLD'S WORST FIRST DATE

This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!!
This was on the "Tonight Show" with Jay Leno. Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman everhad.
The winner described her worst first date experience. There iis absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
Marilyn said it was midwinter... snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing to Lake Arrowhead. It was a day trip (no overnight).
No, not Marilyn. They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before.
The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.
They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.
Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started.
Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.
Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.
Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car' s fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.
Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor she answered her date's concerns about "what was taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and needed some assistance!"
He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed itwould take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!
Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to gether free.
So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.
As for the Tonight Show ... she took the prize hands down. Or perhapst hat should be "pants down." Now I'll bet any of your bad first dates were not this embarrassing.
Jay Leon's comment: "This gives a whole new meaning to being "pissed off."